How Do I Tell People I'm Not A Hugger?
Spoiler: you say those exact words out loud, to people
Since I started my career, it's become apparent that I am a non-hugger living in a hugger's world. I have no problem hugging my family and friends if I know that they are huggers, but I don't feel the same comfort in the workplace. Unfortunately, I have colleagues who hug on occasion, especially if they are traveling from another office.
I've come to really hate the act of hugging unless it's with family. The hugger always has the upper hand because opening their arms initiates the act. In turn, the recipient of the hug often feels forced into returning the act, even if they'd rather not push their body up against the other person.
My question is twofold.
1. What can I do to alert someone (a colleague or an acquaintance) that I don't want to hug without making it awkward?
2. How do I know who wants a hug and who doesn't? I don't mind hugging friends, but I don't want to force it upon them.
You rule for writing this letter. Hating hugs rules! Say it with me. There’s no need for them at all, and people shouldn’t hug in the workplace.
This letter has “people-pleaser” written all over it, so my advice might be hard for you to take, but: You need to risk the awkwardness and tell people you’re not a hugger. Tell them this in passing and especially tell them when there’s an incoming hug. If the situation becomes awkward, so be it. Your comfort and boundaries are worth so much more than a couple awkward moments.
You only “feel forced” to complete the hug because you’re prioritizing someone else’s will over your own. The hugger does not “have the upper hand” unless you are willing to concede it. Is it awkward to slither out of the trajectory of someone’s incoming arms? Maybe! I think this happens more often than you think, though. Have you ever had a meeting with someone who doesn’t want to shake hands because they’re getting over a cold, or something, but you’ve already extended your hand? It interrupts the flow of the greeting convention, I myself have *definitely* proceeded to very awkwardly wave at a person who is two feet away, but whatever! Life moves on.
Most people not only respect boundaries, but respect you for setting them. You need to develop confidence in prioritizing what you are comfortable with over how it might make someone else feel. Well-adjusted people upon hearing “sorry, not a hugger” will immediately retract any impending hug, and carefully log this detail for the future. If they are offended, that’s on them. Repeat that to yourself for awhile, because if you don’t get comfortable setting reasonable boundaries (even/especially in the workplace), the world will eat you alive. People-pleaser-itis, a scourge visited particularly gruesomely upon women, will kill you if you let it.
Ok, coming back down to earth. Yes, telling people may make it awkward, but hopefully only for them. People should feel weird about touching in the workplace!! No touchy while worky!!
As for your second question: how to tell if someone wants a hug. You can tell if someone wants a hug if they 1) tell you they want a hug or 2) try to hug you. Don’t overthink this too much! This is the other side of the “drawing boundaries coin” — you have to trust people to be upfront with you.
You wrote that you hate hugging unless it’s your family. You hate it. Hate is a strong word! Let yourself hate it, and tell others (co-workers, friends, Hinge dates) that you’re not a hugger. Saying that doesn’t make you weird or offensive or prickly. Knowing who you are and what you want is powerful.
Want me to give you explicit, published permission to rebuke physical advances? Write me at batshitadvice@gmail.com!