The Friend Who Is A Bad Tipper
In *this* economy?
The mixture of friends and money is a very fraught cocktail indeed.
I have a tipping problem. Or maybe I have a friend problem, or maybe neither. Needless to say, I'm in need of advice on how to deal with a friend who's a bad tipper.
My friend and I get dinner regularly, and we take turns paying. It's great and I love seeing her, but she's a terrible tipper. Like 15% is high for her. You know those people that subtract the tax and claim certain things shouldn't be tipped? That's her. She's always been like this, but I guess I thought she'd grow out of it.
We're both successful 30-something professionals, and make more than enough to tip a proper amount. We've also started going to nicer restaurants, where it feels worse to tip less. To ease my own stress about this, I've started always offering to pay and have her Venmo me, claiming it's for the credit card points.
Should I say something to her about this? If I were dating someone and learned they were a bad tipper, it would be a red flag. But this is my good friend of years. I'm not sure if I should keep ignoring it, or bring it up with her. And if I do broach the subject with her and she stands her ground, should I question my friendship with her? I know that sounds extreme, but it feels pretty lame to low-ball people (most likely) working hourly jobs, especially when you live in a building with a doorman.
Please help!!
Ah, tipping. Let’s start with why tipping in 2020 is important, and then we’ll get to how to handle it with your friend. Once upon a time, tipping was considered a reward for excellent service, but as it became more common, restaurants lowered servers’ base wages to account for that — so what was once simply the cherry on top became the actual sundae. Since then, server wages (and subsequently their livelihoods) have essentially been at the mercy of guests — whereas most employed people benefit from simply being paid for their time.
This subjective method of compensation has led to a growing conversation about how tipping isn’t just ineffective, but immoral. Some intrepid restaurant groups have eliminated tipping entirely (undoing the wage adjustment from long ago, providing employees a livable wage once again) and initial results have been mixed — to be expected, given that it requires restaurants to raise their prices. Many servers are against it (a good chunk of Danny Meyer’s servers quit when he enacted it with his group), and it’s generally an uncomfortable shift. Bottom line: It’s likely better in the long term to end tipping, but a sea change across an industry won’t show results until there is much more pickup and more time to adjust. Until such time, the federal minimum wage for tipped workers is $2.13 an hour (it’s higher in a lot of states, but still), and if you can afford to go out to eat you can afford to tip 20%.
With tipping ethos, there are two general schools of thought: people who consider a 20% tip a charitable gift to reward excellence, and people who consider a 20% tip to be an ethical responsibility that supports a living wage. Because the restaurant industry changed the rules back when they scaled back hourly wages to account for tips, this whole thing is essentially their fault. Tips subsidize a restaurant’s labor costs, not an individual’s life or lifestyle.
Ok, onto your friend! Three big questions here: Should you bring it up, how to bring it up, and what to do with your friendship in the future. Given that, we’re going with a choose-your-own-adventure, based on how crucial this friendship is to you.
Option 1: This is one of my dearest friends and I will go to great lengths to ensure our friendship remains intact
The best thing to do, for sure, is to find a way to talk to your friend about how crucial it is to tip at least 20%. Hopefully this doesn’t have to require emailing her any charts about how the minimum wage correlates with the cost of living over the past 30 years, but if I loved someone enough, I’d risk being that condescending.
If your friend is a reasonably aware person, she likely already knows this and might feel extremely judged. There’s a certain type who believes that if someone can’t afford to live off a certain wage (such as a server’s wage), they should find a different job. If your friend falls into that camp, this would be a good time to talk through tipping approaches. People need to switch from a micro-view of tipping (“I am putting my own dollars in someone else’s pocket, but not if they don’t fully earn it”) to the macro-view (“By tipping 20% I am participating in an ethical convention that ensures a living wage”). My gut is that if you’re in the game of actually convincing a friend to tip closer to 20%, refocusing the issue away from an individual server’s service toward the larger forces at play is your best bet.
Despite all that, your friend might still disagree with you. From here, you need to decide whether you’re willing to eat the bulk of the tip when you dine with her, or whether it’s time to find a new, tip-free way to spend time with her. Or convince her to go to no-tip restaurants.
Option 2a: I adore this person, but I don’t know if she’ll be in my life for the long haul; she is easy going
Is there any chance she just doesn’t know what she’s tipping? I might consider at least acting like she didn’t, and say something like “Did you think that was bad service? I thought they were great” to gauge her reaction. Maybe she’ll get insecure and start upping her tip! If not, move back to Option 1.
Option 2b: I adore this person, but I don’t know if she’ll be in my life for the long haul; she is a difficult personality and I’m kind of scared of her
Go on silently making up for her bad tipping. Keep going with the Venmo thing in the short term (as long as you’re comfortable eating the bulk of the tip), and in the long term, definitely find a new way of spending time together. You could even blame it on yourself and claim you want to save more money and dine out less. It’s not the most forthright way of living your life or conducting friendships, but sometimes harmony is worth misrepresenting your motive.
I totally agree that it’s a red flag when you’re dating someone, but that’s because with a date, sharing finances is eventually on the table. People are different! Do the same compartmentalizing that you’d employ with a Republican friend. If there’s a kernel of something you really love in your friend, hold onto it.
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